The Battle of Intensity

In the midst of all this madness with Bryan, Bruce has been great. Not once did he ever complain or make me feel guilty for spending time with Bryan while he was mourning the death of his grandmother.

In an email he sent, he said, "I really appreciate your wanting to be there for me, but you really don't need to do anything different from just being yourself. I'm concerned about the strain it's putting on you to feel like you have to be a pillar of strength for both your boyfriend and ex-boyfriend at the same time." Sweet, huh?

But that didn't prevent me from putting a wall up to protect myself. I was in the midst of a battle between intense emotions of fear & sadness versus love & adoration. It's so difficult to have some of my emotions pull me to one side while others fight to pull me to the other. I've realized that I cannot balance such intensity at the same time. It's like a scale where one outweighs the other. Or a tug-o-war of my heart. I just couldn't find myself having the ability to switch gears on and off within a matter of a few hours.

Poor Bruce....as supportive as he was, he also felt the brunt of Bryan's stroke indirectly. He tried so much to reach out to me but I just wouldn't grab hold.

Girls' night changed everything. With everything off my chest, and my ladies reassuring me that it's ok to feel the way I do, I felt liberated. It was also seeing Bryan out of the hospital on Friday. He is doing better but very weak. He lost 6 pounds in 4 days and his speech is still slurred. But he is ok and that's all that matters.

And now, it's Bruce's turn for my attention. I am such a lucky person to have someone as understanding as him, in my life. If you haven't figured it out, I am in love. And it's an intense love that I hope will last.